I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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