you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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