i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
