I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
