a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize