Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
