If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just found puke in my bra..
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize