i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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