There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
