i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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