If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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