Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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