i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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