the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
