If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
