I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
