in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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