Kareoke will never be a sober sport
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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