Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
