I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
