His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
