if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
