Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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