i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
