I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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