proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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