I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
