im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize