piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
