She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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