Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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