He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
we're so committed to being not committed
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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