saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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