its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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