So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
