I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize