i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
you never un-have a 4some
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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