There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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