Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize