I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
