I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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