we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
