Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
