why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
