you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
