I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
