No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
