mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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