when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
