My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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