Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
as a side note pls kill me
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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