If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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