I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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