You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
