Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
