genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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