After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
