i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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