She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
