the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
