Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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