the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
