A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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